A Read for the General Public

This blog post is for those coming out of abusive relationships and the general public. I strongly encourage everyone to read it, so let’s jump in. Coming out of an abusive relationship is hard. I know because the one I wrote about was not my first rodeo! Everyone’s heard the famous lines, “they should have just left,” “that didn’t happen,” or “why did you stay so long.” Those people are not your people. Those people are clearly showing you who they really are. These individuals have obviously never experienced an abusive relationship, are an abuser themselves, or are projecting themselves onto you. Anybody that’s been abused knows it’s not easy to leave.

Years of manipulation and brainwashing does not just go away in the blink of an eye and sometimes it can last a lifetime. Imagine being ten years old and growing up in a misogynistic (Google misogyny if you need examples of what it is) household. You’re ten, you know no different because you listen to your parents. By the time you’re 18 that’s what you’ve known your entire life. You’ve been brainwashed to believe that’s normal; It’s not by the way. The same goes for abusive relationships, especially when the first one you ever had started with abuse. There are tactics that abusers use to keep their victims right where they are, hence, the reason victims get murdered! There are also actual studies out there on the damage to one’s brain from being in an abusive relationship. That may be something you want to educate yourself on if you’ve ever used one these lines or are coming from an abusive situation. These brainwashing techniques are one of the many reasons therapies are so widely used!

Education is key, therapy is key, and a supportive circle is key! When I say education, I don’t just mean a Google search, although I don’t hate Google. Get out there and find licensed individuals who are educated in healing, read some books, or go back to school if you have to. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for getting help from people who have a background in this type of stuff. In addition to, I believe you need to find people who have lived these experiences themselves and have ACTUALLY healed. A lot of therapists have lived these experiences, hence the reasons they became therapists in the first place. However, I personally, do not take advice from people who haven’t healed. I have and continue to take advice from a lot of people who have healed though.

A few things to remember as we move forward is, abuse does not only occur in intimate relationships. It can also come from those closest to you, like your family. Another thing to remember is that just because you were abused, but you abuser didn’t abuse their previous partner, it does not mean it didn’t happen to you. Another example is that if you were abused by your parents, but your siblings were not abused, it still does not mean that it didn’t happen to you! These are just some things to think about as we move along. Although it may be hard to see life for what it really is sometimes, if you have any hesitations that you may be living in an abusive situation, look into getting help.

I will share some of the famous lines I personally heard from people when I came out with my story. If you are coming out of an abusive situation, as I personally know some who are, I hope this will help you! Here are some of the things I heard and these aren’t even all of them. “Do you really think Dick did that to her,” “She’s just making this stuff up,” “Just move on,” “People that are actually abused wouldn’t share it. She’s just doing that for attention,” “You need to stop sharing,” and my all-time favorite “You need to forgive, so you can heal.” Now let’s break this stuff down.

First, if you are someone who has made a statement inferring that I or any other abuse victim is “making it up” or their abuser “would never do anything like that,” you honey, are half of the problem! You are a partial reason as to why abuse victims do not leave their abuser. You are a victim blamer. If society did not have this shitty mentality, then maybe more victims would leave their abusers and maybe less victims would not be senselessly murdered! Do you remember Gabby Petito? She’s dead because of assholes like you not believing her. Did she state that she hit Brian Laundrie first and then get blamed for being the culprit? Absolutely she did, but look up reactive abuse and you may have a better understanding of what abuse actually is. If this is you, be a better person. Stop blaming abuse victims! Now for the most part the majority of the people that read my story were supportive, but to the few “females” that made these comments to/or about me, check yourself because you might be living in an abusive situation yourself.

Next, let’s talk about the people who make statements like “move on” and “you don’t need to share everything.” You quite literally have no idea what you’re talking about when it comes to the topic of abuse, do you? Well, as a survivor of multiple years and multiple relationships of abuse, let me help you understand. These comments do not have any beneficial values, literally none. If a survivor could just “move on” they would. Do you really think we enjoy living with nightmares or ptsd, no. With one hundred percent certainty, I can say if we could just move on, we would. Moving on takes time, and that’s ok. The same concept goes to the people that say “you need to stop sharing,” i.e. the shitty therapist that discussed my private information with my abuser’s therapist! The people making these statements have obviously not lived in a state of constant abuse. Those that have overcome an abusive relationship are going to encourage people coming out an abusive situation to do whatever the hell they need to do to heal! For me, it was writing, and guess what, it WORKED! If you’re wanting to help a victim, I encourage you to ask what you could do to help them, not just spew your nonsense.

This next statement is for the people who thought I shared my story for attention. You are a silly goose. If I was concerned about attention, I would have just taken my clothes off and posted pictures online. It’s not that hard to get attention in today’s world, good or bad. For the hundredth time, I posted my story to heal and for people going through similar situations. If you haven’t had to heal from abuse, consider yourself lucky!

Last but not least, my favorite line of my entire journey, “you need to forgive to heal.” BULLSHIT! That is the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever heard in my life. You don’t have to forgive anyone that you don’t want to forgive. You don’t have to forgive someone who has never personally asked you for forgiveness or lacked apologizing. Lastly, you don’t have to forgive someone who intentionally did or does something and is not sorry for what they did or do. Do not ever tell an abuse victim they need to forgive to heal because guess what that does? It stunts their healing. They second guess their decisions, something they’ve already done for years. They struggle to understand why they are having a hard time forgiving while simultaneously trying to heal. Some people even do go on to forgive and it makes it possible for their abusers to slither their way back in like the snakes they are. The only thing it does when you tell a survivor to forgive is make the healing process longer and more gruesome, so stop giving your unsolicited advice! I do not forgive my abuser and I have no intention of ever forgiving him. He knew exactly what he was doing. If he came to me and was sincerely apologetic, that would be a different story. Unfortunately for him, he has the inability to be sincere. Guess what though, I sleep like a baby at night (minus my daughter waking me up). For the most part, I have a pretty good life (read my prior post). I’m healed and I’m happy. If you have no education or experience on abuse, just simple shut up! As someone that’s done it, I promise you, it is one hundred percent possible to heal and not forgive!

Furthermore, I want to share for victims and survivors of abuse is that people who associate with your abuser are not your friends. You do not need an update on your abuser, you need no contact in every form. If a “friend” continues to tell you about your abuser and you have already stated that you don’t care to hear, that person is not your friend! Bringing up someone’s abuser is not beneficial. If a survivor wishes to talk about their abuser with a friend, that is their choice, and their choice only.

A lot of people view victims as the problem. Many victims are accused of being trash or low class. That needs to change. Victims are not these things. I personally had someone say to me, “I was wondering what was wrong with you when you started dating him.” Oh, I’m sorry he didn’t fit your stereotype of who you thought I should date! Victims are not the problem! Victims are people that need help to get away from the actual trash! They are people that need to be educated on the topics of abuse and learn how to further avoid these situations. To prove my point, someone very close to me that I consider my aunt was abused for years and no one even knew it about it! She is beautiful, loving, college educated, empathetic, a mother, an entrepreneur, and many other things. With the way society views “victims” and this world in general, I feel compelled to share that this individual sold her company for hundreds of millions of dollars. She is the second wealthiest person I know and I personally know a MULTI-billionaire. Yes, billionaire. Stop with the bullshit narratives that you make up in your head, they aren’t true! Victims are not trash, they are not low class, and they are not losers or liars. There are always a few bad eggs out there, but that goes for absolutely anything. For the main part, victims are simply people who deserve real, healthy love. They deserve to be trusted and not shunned because you’ve made something up in your uneducated brain! Maybe if we start believing victims, we can prevent more unnecessary deaths!

Before I end my blog, I will reiterate a few things that helped me heal. First, I gave myself a year to be single, no boyfriend. This was time to focus on myself and become a better person. Next, I promised myself I would be far into my healing journey before I really started dating again. I wanted to be able to make better decisions when it came to finding a new partner. I met Conner well after a year and I was already far into my healing journey. I made new friends of all ages and felt “free” for the first time in years. I went out and had fun! I tried multiple therapists and found my wonderful life coach through my aunt, who I mentioned above. I educated myself. Most importantly, I found support in the best people. These people are my circle. They mean the world to me, and I wish to have them in my life forever! These are things that worked for me. I hope anyone else struggling can use some of these techniques to help heal themselves.

I say all of these things in the nicest way possible as someone who has made these mistakes prior to being healed and before understanding abuse myself. As someone who has lived these scenarios, I hope that they can be helpful to those leaving abusive situations and educational to those that have never experienced it themselves. To anyone reading this, I hope that in some way, shape, or form it makes you think. Remember ignorance is bliss (google this), don’t be one of those assholes. We all know who the real Comeback’s are and I’m going to give you a hint, its not the people abusing others! Until next time friends.