Big Things to Come

I’m a very goal oriented person and over the past 3 years I really lost focus of that. I was too busy spending my time worrying/taking care of someone that no longer means shit to me.

My main goal in life has always been to be a mother, but I have always said I wanted to be married and in a healthy relationship first. My parents have been married almost 40 years and that’s what I look forward to. I’ve had the chance to get married and have children, but I just always knew it wasn't the right person or the right time for me. I remember sitting in my ex’s car at the stoplight by Moy’s and my most recent ex-boyfriend turned me and said he was going to ask me to marry him in the next couple of months. I remember feeling the most disgusting feeling come over me and the first thing I thought was, “fuck, I am not telling my family if I get engaged.” Anyone that knows me knows I’m super close to my family, but I was so unhappy and embarrassed that I was in that situation to begin with. I know most people are going to say, “Well, why didn’t you just leave if you felt that way,” and the short explanation is that until you live under complete manipulation and torture you will never understand how hard it is to leave, trust me I wanted to. I told my ex-boyfriend that I wanted to wait and stop arguing so much before we did that. Thankfully, I used my head before making a decision that would have completely ruined my life. He didn’t like that answer too much though, so he proceeded to yell at me.

Anyways, since being a mother has always been my main goal in life and knowing that I never want to end up in another situation like that I decided to put that goal to the side for a bit. When it’s my time to be a mother and get married, I will just happen. My birthday is May 18th and about a week before my birthday I made a new goal to be a millionaire by the time I’m 30 years old. I hate the unknown, so I knew this was a good goal for me because even if I don't hit it by 30 I know I’ll work my ass off to reach this goal at some point in my life.

I didn’t make this my goal because I want the money, but rather because during the time that I made it I had heard/had some conversations that were very chauvinistic. Money will never be my main priority in life. In one of my previous blogs I explained a situation about my grandpa that has forever changed the way I view money. Trust me; money is not what will make you happy! My family, friends, dogs, mental/physical health, and sleep will ALWAYS come first!

I come from a family of entrepreneurs, but mostly all of them being males. Two days before my birthday my aunt, who is also my business mentor, took my cousin and I to a business seminar where a bunch of millionaires and billionaires talked about how they achieved their goals. The lady that created “airplane mode” on devices said she came from a family that didn’t have much money and she decided from that point on that she was going to change the legacy of her family. After hearing her talk I decided I’m going to change the legacy of my family.

I have a family history of the males in my family being the ones to make the money and build the businesses. We also have a past history of the males in my family thinking they were superior to the women, sad, but true. I come from 2 very abusive relationships where I’ve been called a cunt, a slut, a whore and many other things. My favorite one being, “I’m just like the rest of his rat girlfriend’s hahaha.” I’ve also been made fun of by my ex’s for things I’ve wore or said. All of these things made me want to change my legacy for the future girls that are to come in my family. I want the future girls in my family to know they are just as powerful as the men.

I own a business now where I have multiple young girls that work for me. I want them to be able to see me achieving big things and know that they can also do big things when they are young adults. I also want them to know that they are just as strong and powerful as men, to remember their worth, do not tolerate bullshit, and to learn from my mistakes! The sky is the limit and you just have to believe it!

Anyways, on to the next thing! As many people know, I was supposed to compete in my first powerlifting meet on my birthday. Two days before my meet, what I thought was a hernia that I have had for years, popped out, and I couldn’t get it pushed back in. I messaged my doctor’s wife on Facebook and he told me I had to go to urgent care if it didn’t stop hurting. The Friday that I was supposed to leave for my meet I ended up going to urgent care where I spent the ENTIRE day! I had a CT scan because they were afraid the hernia was strangling my bowels. It ended up I had a mass the entire right side of my belly. Funny how I just made a new goal based on things I can work my ass off to reach because I’m horrible with the unknown and this is the biggest unknown ever! On Monday the 20th they put me under and were able to drain the entire thing. At the end of last week they called to tell me that it was benign, thank god, but they don’t know what it is. There is an 80% chance it will come back, so by Monday the surgeon is supposed to call me to see where we go from here. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t let me compete in my powerlifting meet because they didn’t want it to rupture. I was pretty sad because my numbers were higher than the winner’s maxes! Until we find out what this is though my coach doesn’t want me to load my spine with heavy weight. After we find out what it is I will be starting prep, once again, for my ACTUAL first meet!

The last thing I want to mention is how I’ve had multiple people come to me lately talking about how they are really struggling. I’ve also had someone tell me that an adult was making fun of their 10 year old child. If you’re an adult making fun of a kid, you’re a fucking piece of shit! You’re the reason kids have self-esteem issues, and just so you know, you aren’t perfect! All of us are a little bit weird, most of us just don’t embrace is. I’m really fucking weird and I’m good with it, but at 10 years old I think fitting in at school is already hard enough for them, so fuck you and leave children alone! Anyways, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it 1000x over, think of the positive in every situation!

When I was first leaving my shithole relationship I remember someone saying to me, “think of the positives.” I thought, “How the fuck is anything in this situation positive.” I’ve watched my ex punch the dog in the face multiple times, I’ve been screamed at daily for 3 years straight, I've been pressured into having sex with someone who disgusts me, I’ve thought for sure he was going to stab me with a knife, I’ve been cheated on multiple times, I’ve had my ex leave me downtown lake Geneva in the middle of winter, and I’ve been called more names by this boy, yes, 40 year old boy, than I have been by my brother in a life time. How the fuck am I supposed to be positive!

At the time I couldn’t see the positives, but having someone remind me that there was positives in every situation helped me through the most unbearable days! Being called horrible names only made me stronger and want to show other women that they are powerful too, being cheated on made me leave the biggest mistake and white trash of my life, watching my ex punch the dog got me involved at the animal shelter, being pressured to do things has made it easier for me to tell people to fuck off, and the list goes on.

I just went to my coach on Thursday and she told me that she believes this is the strongest I have ever been in my entire life and that couldn’t be truer. A few nights ago I had a horrible dream about my little brother and I woke up balling. That morning when I was getting ready for work I thought, “Holy shit, that’s the first time I’ve cried in a long time.” When I was with my ex I would cry at least 3 times a week. My aunt said to my mom and me the other day ago, “Did you realize when Karlee goes to do something now she doesn’t have to take her phone with her like she did last year when she was afraid the asshole was going to go off on her if she didn’t respond right away.” My life has done a complete 360. Seven months ago I would have never imagined I’d be where I am today and anyone else that is struggling needs to realize that it will pass. You might not see it now, I sure didn’t see it, but there are positives in every situation! Just keep fighting and better days will come. This is the journey God has for you and if he didn’t think you could make it through it he wouldn’t have given you that journey!

I also want everyone to know that my family was not aware of how abusive my ex was. They knew he was a piece of shit, but I hid almost everything so he didn’t look like the monster he is, so if you’re hanging out with me and my brother drills you with 7,000 questions and says you’ll be sorry if you hurt me, it’s probably true hahaha! Also, I know I swear a lot, that’s just how I talk. Sorry, dad!

Oh, and today is national narcissistic abuse awareness day! I got out of a relationship with a full blown psychopath and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! If I can do it, you can too!