Healing on Vacation

Everyone’s healing journey is different and some can heal faster than others. However, you don’t heal overnight. Even though my coach tells me I’m healing very fast there are still days when I struggle. 

The day before I left for vacation I had a mild panic attack. I’m on medication for anxiety, but I don’t know how well it actually works. I started freaking out thinking my airplane was going to crash, my nephews were going to fall off the deck of the restaurants into the ocean, my brother wasn’t going to be able to fend for himself with everyone gone, and my dog was going to die while I was away.

I started balling thinking I’m never going to heal. My brain is forever going to go a million miles an hour and I’m going to constantly worry because of the things that jackass did to me. I’ve always had anxiety, but my anxiety is now extreme due to the psychological abuse dick put me through. 

I ended up getting to Aruba safely on Sunday afternoon after I slept almost the entire flight. On Sunday evening when I was going to bed, I had 3 separate nightmares of my abuser. In my nightmares he was harassing me and trying to manipulate me into getting back together with him. Something he did many, many times!

I had a rough couple of days, but I thought to myself, “I’m healing and I’m healing on my own time, in my own way.” I still have hard days here and there, but I probably will for a long time. Most abuse victims do struggle for a long time. We have to try and learn to cope with unimaginable things, but we can and we will heal from any traumas we have been through!

So far, my family and I are 3 days into our vacation in Aruba and we’re having a blast. My 4 nephews have been having so much fun in the pool and ocean. It makes me happy to see them having so much fun. 

Since I had a few rough days I knew I had to write to keep my anxiety down. I have also been listening to my books while laying out. A few other things that have helped me heal have been to not compare myself or my body to other people’s, be my true self, and to have the confidence to say no.

First, my body and mind were not created to be like anyone else’s and neither were yours. My abusers mom called me stupid and insecure and it made me think, “who is she comparing me to?” I don’t want to be like anyone else. Society thinks we have to look a certain way and think a certain way, which is why I’m sure she felt the need to say those things. I don’t believe that everyone has to be the same in society. I think differently and look differently, and I don’t believe that makes me stupid or ugly. 

My body is muscular and I have very big legs and I’m not insecure about that. My sister is like the complete opposite. She is very skinny and has small legs. All of us Mann’s carry fat in our belly’s. I’m also very hands on and nurturing. She’s also very nurturing, but she’s very quick witted and very intellectual. Neither of which makes us dumb! We have very different body types and very different minds, but we’re both beautiful. God created my body and mind to do things my sister isn’t great at and he created her body and mind to do things i’m not great at. For example, I’m a good powerlifter and she’s a good yogi. I can’t bend like that if my life depended on it and and she can’t lift very heavy weights. Our beauty comes in different forms and shapes and it’s on the inside and the outside! It’s in the eyes of the withholder. 

If you find the beauty within your body and mind and realize that everyone is different and has different things to offer, you will see the beauty in life. I also feel that by seeing the beauty within ourselves it also helps us to overcome our insecurities. People attack others based on their own insecurities, hence the reason Dick and his mother both felt the need to attack parts of me and abuse me for years. Once they are confident with themselves then maybe they won’t feel the need to abuse and belittle other people. They are both just very insecure people which takes a lot of work to overcome! 

By learning to tell people “no” it has also boost my confidence. You can say no to someone if you don’t want to do something or if it isn’t beneficial to your mental health. People are going to get mad, but at least they will respect you.

I’ve also been very true to myself. For 2.5 years I had to play the part my abuser wanted me to play. It was so hard for me because I always struggled with how hypocritical he was. He’d treat me like complete garbage screaming at me and then 5 seconds later he was posting on Facebook about how great and positive he was. We had to pretend to the public that we were happy. He could be full blown screaming at me and then walk into my parents house like nothing even happened. “Nice as could be.” It was so fake and disgusting. 

Now I’m genuinely happy most days. I’m content being alone and I enjoy being with only my family. I like sharing my story. I like eating a lot of food and I like helping others that are struggling. When I see people pretending to be something they aren’t I just cringe. Just be yourself! Don’t be a people pleaser, because that won’t make you happy. My abuser always tried to be a people pleaser and he was the most miserable person on planet earth. When we aren’t true to ourselves or we have to put on a show it only makes us more miserable. 

Being on vacation has been the first time I have actually just relaxed with nothing to do. What I mean is, it is my first week without counseling, my life coach, my abuse group, or my whole support system. My life coach actually intentionally didn’t give me any homework this week because she just wanted me to relax. I am on a tropical island and my family loves to lay out in the sun every day, so I have a lot of time to sit around and think. 

As I sit by the pool, walk to the other hotels, or go dinner I have been much more aware of how other people act and treat each other. I see/hear people judging themselves. I watch how the other parents are raising their children and I watch how people treat family members or those they don’t know. 

I haven’t seen any parents letting their children be disrespectful or not disciplining when them when needing it, so that’s a plus. I have however heard people talking about their weight and treating other people like shit.

I was down getting ice cream and the lady behind me walked up to the window and said, “Give me that bowl with the fruit.” Working in the service industry I just wanted to say, “That was rude, why don’t you come back up and try that again,” but I didn’t. I thought why be an asshole? It’s not that hard to be kind. As I look around at dinner I also see everyone conversing and enjoying each other. I went to dinner with Dick a lot and he NEVER got off his phone. It’s nice to see people enjoying each other’s company for once!

I also heard my mom call herself fat. Which I have heard many times before. A lot of us are very judgmental about ourselves, I use to be and still struggle here and there sometimes. However, when I hear someone say that I say, “I think you’re beautiful,” especially my mom. 

My mom is one of the most beautiful people on this planet, she always has been. She’s not only beautiful on the outside, but also on the inside. She is one of the kindest people you will ever meet and she bends over backwards for anyone. When I was younger my mom moved her grandma into our house to take care of her. She did things people would never do. She fed her, changed her, bathed her, and much more. She was 98 when she died. My mom didn’t do these things because she had to, but because she’s a beautiful, loving person. 

So, when my mom says, “I’m fat” I say, “I think you’re beautiful” because beauty is more than just looks. I once told my mom, “You do things in this world that others would never do” and she said, “like what?” I said, “You took grandma in and took care of her when no one else would” and she said, “I think a lot of people would do that.” I said, “No, that’s not true. If it was true people wouldn’t be living in nursing homes.” 

Sometimes people don’t see their true beauty and sometimes people needed it pointed out to them, like my mom. Deep down though most of us have beauty that comes in forms more than just our looks. My whole family is very beautiful and I’m sure yours are too. However, I have seen evil, so isn’t not always easy to find the beauty. 

Just remember to love yourself for the way you are and be you! Being mentally healthy is just as important, if not more important than being physically healthy. Also, remember you could be the most beautiful person on the outside, but if you’re mean and ugly on the inside than you’re an UGLY person.

Ps: Remember to be kind and loving because people are facing battles we know nothing about! 

I’m writing on my phone since I don’t have my computer, so I could be rambling.