RED FLAGS

It has been brought to my attention that my abuser has read my post and is very unhappy. I figured at some point he would read it as it is public. I want to inform everyone that my intention is not and never will be to “destroy” his life. Remember I started writing this a while ago! If my intention was to ruin his life then I would have shared the videos of him calling me a spoiled brat and a cunt. I would have posted the screenshots of him cheating on me. I would have shared the texts, emails, and the pictures, of the abuse and steroids, but that’s not my intention. My intention is for my blog to help other people that struggle through the things I’ve been through. I also use my blog as part of my own therapy and if you feel that’s selfish then I’m sorry that self-love is selfish to you. I could write my stuff in private, but then who is it going to help? This is the main reason I share my story: When I left my abuser I was completely fucking lost. I had no idea where to begin or what to do. I literally cried for a week straight. When I say I cried for a week straight I mean I cried for a week straight, call my mom and ask her! I was already going to a counselor, but that wasn’t doing much. When I left my abuser I made a post on Facebook about how I left my horrible relationship. The main reason I posted my first Facebook post was because I knew my abuser would be mad that I shared that much about our lives and that he wouldn’t make an attempt to suck me back in. He had already told me and his ex girlfriend that him and I were going to work on things when I got back from Belize, but I didn't want that. I was still broken down and addicted to my relationship at that point in time. I knew that I wasn’t yet strong enough, that if he came back I would have broken down and taken him back. After my first post I felt as if writing was a really good form of therapy for me, so I continue to do it. I share my story because when I dated my abuser I use to cry myself to sleep multiples nights a week. I would lay in the shower crying. I would pray to God to not wake me up in the morning. I thought about taking a bunch of pills, so I never had to wake up. I wanted to die. I was so addicted to my relationship, which is different than codependency, that I couldn’t get out of it. Again, read about trauma bonding and abusive relationships. It’s a real biochemical change of the brain. As much as I wanted to leave and fought to, he always sucked me back in, hence the reason for my first post. He stalked me, harassed me, and abused me. Once I was finally able to break free though many people reached out to help me through my hardest days. Which the week after I left my abuser was EXTREMELY hard, so I'm thankful for them. Someone I hadn’t talked to in many years reached out to me after I put my story out there, I consider her my aunt. She had come from two narcissistic relationships and she walked me through every step of this healing process! Literally every step of the way she has been there to guide me. Yesterday, my life coach told me that I’ve come very far with my progress. She told me that what most people accomplish in a year I have accomplished in 3 months. The reason I feel I’ve came so far, so fast is because of my aunt. Without her I would have never known what steps to take. I wouldn’t have had my life coach nor would I have received my money back when the counselors broke hippa. She has been my mentor. SO, the reason I share my story is because this is what I lived through. I prayed to God to never wake me up again and he didn’t answer my prayer. I’ve said it before, I’m not a huge church goer, but I do believe in God. He answered my real prayers of getting me out of that situation when I didn’t even know what he was doing. I now feel that because he did get me out of that situation alive that I have the ability to help someone else and I should. Again, I don’t share my story to ruin his life. He will ruin his life by himself. I don’t push my blog. I have made more blogs since I first shared my story and I haven’t mentioned anything else about it on Facebook since. The people that it helps will continue to read it without me having to say anything. I don’t give two shits about him or his life. I don’t like what he has done or what he does to people, but that’s for him to own. I have absolutely nothing to lie about. The only thing fake about me is sometimes my hair! I do not share information that I know about previous relationships because I did not experience those situations. If those survivors want to share their stories that it up to them, but that’s none of my business. I can only speak from my experiences I lived through and hope that it can help someone else. I’m not sad. I am not a victim. I don’t wish to ruin his life. I’m a survivor! I am healing! And I hope to spread awareness about abuse because abuse victims deserve justice! My life coach wanted me to make another blog post yesterday, but I got too lazy. I want to share about red flags! When I dated my abuser I was so manipulated that I didn't see a single red flag. I can now see the red flags I experienced in that relationship clear as day. I'm getting better at spotting red flags in new people too, but I'm still not great at it yet which is why I don't date.

Here are some RED FLAGS I should have seen:

1. Fast moving relationship and saying I love you after 1-2 weeks of dating!

That is not normal. I fell for it by thinking my abuser was just a nice guy. It's a tactic narcissists use! NOBODY knows you after 2 weeks!

2. Screaming at your partner 1 month into the relationship.

My abuser had a full blown rage on me 1 month into our relationship because his mom upset him. At one month in, someone doesn't even know you to be able to treat you like that. They shouldn't treat you like that anyways!

3. Only talking about themselves.

If someone only ever talks about themselves and never asks questions about you, realize that they really don't give a shit about you. If someone cares about you or wants to get to know you they will ask questions about you and listen intently.

4. No gifts or celebrating holidays!

Now, I don't care if someone can't afford to get me a gift, but if they can't even acknowledge your birthday or special occasion with a card, then they are an asshole and they don't give a shit about you! It's sad, but it's true. I mean Dick cheated on me and I wasn't dating him, but I still acknowledged his birthday by giving him Beats headphones because I gave a shit about him. If someone constantly ruins every holiday realize that they only want attention on them and they are not going to be happy if the attention is on you. NOT NORMAL!

5. Calling your ex crazy.

I wish I would have realized this way sooner than I did. If your boyfriend/girlfriend is telling you that his ex's are crazy, then ask them why. People don't normally just act crazy for no reason. Narcissist's like to make fun of peoples emotions after they get them riled up. A narcissist likes to attack their victims and then say, "why are you acting crazy?" or "You are so sensitive." Remember all good people have a breaking point and I don't believe Dick's ex's are crazy, so take that as red flag.

6. Stories not adding up.

If a story does not add up then realize this is a huge red flag. There were multiple times when my abuser would tell someone one thing and then me something totally different. For example, he told my friend he was going to buy a house in Florida and move his ex wife down there. He told me that he never said that, that he would never move his ex wife by him. If the stories don't add up, then you need to question if this is the right relationship for you.

7. Hating their mother and father.

If someone hates their mother and father then you better figure out why. That is now a HUGE red flag to me. I can see if someone doesn't like their parents because they are abusive or just pieces of shit, but if your parents are making an effort to make things better (like my abusers dad) and you still hate them, then there is an issue.

8. Telling your ex and mother they are "cunts" or to "go eat a dick."

If you talk to your child's mother or your mother like this then you just straight up have issues. Learn respect for people! That's a huge red flag!

9. Wanting your child's mother to die.

This is the biggest red flag in the world. If you want your child's mother to die then you are garbage. Your child needs their mother and you are obviously very selfish if you would want that for your child. RED FLAGGGG

10. Screaming, raging, or punching a dog especially in front of a child.

If your significant other does any sort of abuse in front of a child then you need to realize it's time to go! Children are innocent and are affected by everything you do or say! Obviously abuse is a red flag.

11. Not liking music.

My abuser always told me he hated music and I mean whatever, but that's kind of weird. Never in my life have I met someone that doesn't like music. That's now a red flag to me.

12. Hearing voices in their head and seeing red.

If someone says this to you, just leave and don't look back. That's not normal or healthy.

13. Pretending to be someone your not.

If you have to be overly nice and tell everyone what they want to here that's not being your true self. Just be yourself, the people that are meant to be in your life wont give a shit about all the materialistic items you have or how your great you are at everything. That's not being your real self and that's a red flag!

I could go on and on, but for now I am only going to share these 13. Try and spot red flags before you get into a shitty relationship. Once you are in an abusive relationship it is very hard to leave as I have said many times. I now know what sort of things to look for before getting into a relationship and I hope this can help others to see red flags too. Plus, everything people tell me about his relationship with the new girl I have already been through and the girls before me went through it. It's a cycle, we can just see it now because we aren't in it.

PS: My ex is going to make up lies about me, I already stated that many blogs ago. I don't care what he has to say as I know the truth and I have told nothing but the truth. Narcissists twist and turn any and every story possible. They cannot look bad in anyone's eyes, so the truth stays hidden. If they didn't twist the truth they wouldn't be able to abuse people. For example, when I say "twist" my abuser told me that his ex girlfriend made him and his son sleep on the coach, so she could sleep in the bed. That story was not true. The real story was that he didn't want to sleep in the bed because he was shooting up heroin in the middle of the night and she didn't know. He will take a real story, but "twist" it into a lie that benefits him, making him not look like a piece of shit.

So yes, I realize he is going to do this and make videos and books and blogs and whatever the hell else he does to lie about me. He did it while we were dating, but pretended it wasn't about me, so I am prepared. Yes, I already know his mom wrote posts about me calling my stupid, insecure, pathetic, and that she feels embarrassed for me. I feel bad for her that she actually believes his manipulation and the horrible things he says about her. Pray for her little soul! The truth is the truth through and I'm sorry if he or his family don't like that I share it. I am going to continue to post because this is my life and this is what I have bee through! I didn't do it, he did it! Just admit your wrong doings, ask for forgiveness, and change your behavior! Things can get better!