Support or move on

I want to start off by saying my cousin and I created a new Facebook page called “Empowered Abuse Victims and Survivors” and a new Instagram called “empoweredsurvivors.” In the Facebook page you can join a request to be part of the private group to talk with other victims and survivors.

We created these pages because we realize that people who have never been through sever abuse and trauma cannot fully understand what goes on in the victims or survivors head. My friend brought it to my attention that people think I am coming off as sad, angry, jealous or whatever throughout my posts, and I know other people believe that. However, my friend and people that deal with me every day realize that I’m not upset about the situation anymore, but I’m rather at peace with it. My friend wanted me to see it from other people perspectives and I totally agree! I want to point out a few things though!

I am not a professional healer at all, however, I don’t have children and I own a seasonal business where for 5 months straight I get to focus on myself and no one else. I have healed faster than a lot of people because of this. However, that doesn’t mean specific things don’t have an effect on me. If someone tells you something about your narcissistic parent or your narcissistic ex and you have emotions like a normal human being, you will feel some type of emotion or another towards the comment or suggestion. It is a NORMAL human reaction.

I also want to share that on my social media pages I share experience and facts about these types of relationships because I know certain people are watching them and it is helping them. People have privately come to me and told me that it helps them. If I post about something it doesn’t mean that I am still going through that at that time. There are people who are trying to get away from an abuser and things I post help them. I also want to become a life coach, so facts, research, and experience are important to share! It is just like my workout coach posting things about lifting and nutrition. He is sharing things based on experience and knowledge to help others become aware of things.

I understand if you don’t want to hear about the things I post. There are things I have never been through or I have no interest in that I don’t want to hear about, but I just unfriend or unfollow those people. I have made new social media sites to better connect with these people, but that does not mean I will only use that. There are some individuals that don’t want others to know they are following my story, so following the new page would bring that attention to them. I understand if you want to unfriend me though.

I want to explain how a narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic relationship is different than a normal relationship. These relationships are very, very manipulative. These types of people are empty shells that mimic EXACTLY what you are. For example, when I started dating my abuser he made me believe that he was very loving, empathetic, hardworking, he enjoyed helping others, and his family was the most important thing in the world. Because psychopathic people are an empty soul that really does not feel these emotions their mask will eventually start to get cracks or slip, his did. Eventually the psychopath will go back to his original evil self, making their victim wonder when the person we thought they were was going to come back. They never come back. However, the abuser gets victims addicted by putting switching back and forth from the “honeymoon” stage of the relationship to the “reality.” The psychopath gives their victim false hope that they person they fell in love with is coming back, but in reality it’s just their way of manipulation and keeping their victim addicted.

Covert abuse is basically impossible to prove because it is done in a way that people cannot even explain, not even the victims themselves. In one of the books I read the author explained the manipulation very well. He gave a few examples in the book. One of the examples he used was that the psychopath will tell the new girlfriend/boyfriend that the old girlfriend was crazy or that he/she was very bad to the psychopath, but then the psychopath will say things like “my ex is in town and I’m going to meet up with them.” The new girlfriend/boyfriend is completely confused and we start asking questions like “why would you go hang out with this person that’s in love with you and was mean to you?” That’s when the psychopath starts accusing the new girlfriend of being crazy or jealous. The victim then becomes confused and convinced they are jealous or crazy because that’s what they are being told or convinced. I, myself, went through this ALL the time. Another thing the psychopath will do is use manipulation in a way that you think they are complementing you, but in reality it’s a professional tactic they use. In my book the example the author gave was that the psychopath would tell the new victim that his old girlfriend/boyfriend was always hound them about getting a new job and they are thankful you aren’t like that. It was a way for them to manipulate everything you did or say. The book explained that then the psychopath could go 6 months without a job, but the new victim would never say anything because they don’t want to be like the old nagging girlfriend/boyfriend.

The book also explained how the psychopath would do the same type of things, but with multiple other situations for example, clinginess. The psychopath does this to be able to manipulate the victim’s behavior into what they wanted it to be. My abuser also did this. He constantly told me how his ex-hated his son made him sleep on the couch, and he was glad I wasn’t like that. First of all, his ex-doesn’t hate his son and I’m pretty sure she wants to be a mother herself. However, this was a way for me to become his son’s nanny. He manipulated me to believe that I needed to do everything or I was going to be like what he explained his ex was, but in reality wasn’t. His son also saw my abuser disrespect me, and as a child he thought that was ok and how I was supposed to be treated. His son then started disrespecting by ignoring anything I said because he saw his dad doing it. I took it because of the manipulation my abuser had over me and how I didn’t want to be like the supposed ex who didn’t love his child. It was just his way of manipulating my behavior.

A psychopathic relationship is also different than a regular relationship because there is absolutely no closure. Basically the only way to get out of one of these relationships is to go no contact completely. I have been completely contact free for 4 months. That means you cannot look at their social media either because that doesn’t do any good for a victim. I deleted my abuser and all of his family and friends off of my social media immediately. To this day I will delete people he associates with because it’s not good for my mental health. That doesn’t mean I hate those people. It also doesn’t do a victim much good to hear about their abuser, but guess what we live in a small town and we are going to hear shit no matter what and yes, like a normal person I have emotions to what I hear just like any other survivor.

In my book it also explains how because some victims get no closure that they have to look for answers to get closure and that is actually ok. We have to create our own closure to someone we were actually addicted to. I’m the type of person that has to have an answer for everything which I believe is because of my learning disability and my personality trait, ISFJ. The “I” means introvert, the “s” means I’m observant, the “F” stands for feeling, and the “J” stands for judgement. Some of the traits of an ISFJ are, very detailed and specific oriented, trust actual experiences, like step by step instructions, we live in the here and now, like to have things settled, SEEK CLOSURE, and like to make and stick to plans. I also scored EXTREMELY high on all of these traits. I was not in the middle or torn between one thing or another. Also, with my learning disability I have always been very hands and because of my disability I became a perfectionist or need the correct answers to things.

These don’t make me a good or bad person, but they make me who I am and how I seek out for closure for my own wellbeing. If we all had the same personality as everyone else life would get boring. However, because your personality is different it doesn’t give you the right to shut others out of silence them. We need to be understanding of others. For example, it would have been rude and selfish of me to not understand my friend’s point of view about my posts on Facebook. She has a different personality type than I do and I could see her point of view on the situation. I took what she said to heart for the sake of my future business and because I feel she cares about me and my wellbeing and created my separate accounts. I have said it 100x, be understanding and polite to others even if you have a different opinion! Their opinions might help you to see things for a different point of view!

Another thing that makes the grieving of these relationships so much longer than a normal relationship is that we don’t just fall in love, but we fall in “desperate love.” In the love bombing stage they make us believe we are the greatest thing on earth or their soulmate. We cannot put the pieces together to make sense of why they are pushing us away or not giving a shit about us at some point or another. That’s another form of manipulation and like I’ve said, the manipulation is very hard to explain.

Most victims of traumatic abuse have complex ptsd. OUR BRAINS ARE PHYSCIALLY DIFFERENT THAN SOMEONE WHO HASN’T LIVED IN LONG LIVED TRAUMA. The difference between ptsd and complex ptsd is that ptsd is one very traumatic event. Complex ptsd is trauma after trauma after trauma. All of the things I explained above are TRAUMAS. Your brain is changed and confused. Not only have mostly all of us lived through these traumas, but we also lived through things like punching, rape, and much more! Abuse victims are basically prisoners to their abusers, just like the STOCKHOLM SYNDROM and any book on narcissists or psychopaths will explain that. When you live in the constant fight or flight mode it can create complex PTSD. Please tell me one victim that hasn’t lived in constant flight or fight mode!

When you say shit like “move on” or “let it go” about a survivor or to a survivor it can be super damaging because of their complex PTSD. Our brain already isn’t functioning the way it was at one time, so just imagine what that could do. Stop living life in such a black and white, opinionated version and realize that others could have gone through something like this. Just because you haven’t been through it doesn’t mean someone else hasn’t. There are things you have been through that an abuse survivor hasn’t been through and you wouldn’t want them to silence you. I lived through it and so have other people. It doesn’t mean that we are living in the miserable hell hole we once lived in, but actually healing and feeling our emotions in ways that are best for us. I think people need to realize that because of the amygdala part of the brain we don’t forget the traumatic events. It’s like my friend was telling me today, “Parents of the sandy hook situation go to schools and talk about what happened. The mother can be on top of the world one day and the next day she can feel like total shit. She can walk into the bathroom and see a tooth pick and it can bring a million memories” and that’s because of how amazing the brain is. It can be 15 years down the road and the brain will still be reminded and remember things. My mom had abuse as a child (not mentioning by who), and sometimes my dad jokes around and grabs the backs of our necks, kind of like a mom cat would carry her kittens. The amygdala part of my mom’s brain wakes up and she remembers traumatic events. She just told me this after we had a conversation about how things can remind you of traumas.

I was talking to my friend today about how I made the specific Facebook to discuss private issues about abuse. A place to say things that people know nothing about, but just want to silence. I said I know friends that have been abused, but they don’t want to come out and share because they are afraid of the judgments of society. I also want everyone to know that it is VERY important for an abuse victim to be able to talk and share to be able to heal. Its common sense! My friend who is also an abuse survivor said, “People want to speak out, but then they get scared because people start talking shit and judge them. Then they don’t want any part of that, so they keep it to themselves.” How sad is that! If you’re being one of these people think if what you’re doing is kind or not.

If you hold something in does it make you feel better or worse? Obviously worse, however these individuals are afraid to say anything because of rude people that say “let it go.” I know from experience of holding stuff about abusive relationships in! Would you tell a war survivor to let it go? Doubt it, and it is scientifically proven that abuse victims have the SAME complex PTSD as a war survivor. You wouldn’t tell a child who was raped to get over it, you wouldn’t tell a holocaust survivor to get over it, and you wouldn’t tell a cancer survivor to get over it! These people all went through some sort of trauma. These abuse victims are going through more than just a “bad breakup” they are going through issues that you know nothing about, so be supportive or don’t say anything at all! People have the right to use social media as a way to communicate with others that are struggling!

It’s like the author of my book and my mentor said, “People are ignorant. When they know nothing about what is going on they want to silence a victim or victim blame them.” If you have a question or want to point something out to me or anyone else, then go to them like my friend did, instead of belittling them or silencing them! I have made the page for those that are victims and survivors and I hope that you guys will feel more comfortable talking in that specific group!

Again, I am not sad, jealous, depressed, or whatever bullshit word you want to label me with. Anyone that is close to me or deals with me on a daily basis knows that. However, I am 4 months out of a very abusive relationship. I am a survivor. I am healthy and happy. I am still working through issues from the abuse and manipulation. I write my blog to help get my emotions out and express myself. I help others and like when others help me!

Be kind or simply move on with your life!

A picture my friend David took of my cousin and I a few weeks ago!